


Dessert Gem Droppings

by RivetBucktail (orphan_account)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Absurdist Humor, Gen, Scat, Tricked, caca, doo doo, eating artificial feces, no pee pee, poo poo, why the hell did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:55:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/RivetBucktail
Summary: Skinny Jasper and Carnelian get rich selling confectionery.
Kudos: 2





	Dessert Gem Droppings

“Need cash fast? No problem!

“Sell your shit online to generate fast CASH that you can use!" Skinny's smirking face fully framed the advertisement displayed on the digital billboard installed on the tallest building in Gemstone Capitol City.

“Come and start selling on gBay.gem!”

In the office on the top floor of the second-tallest building in Capitol City, Skinny and Carnelia swam through their Olympic swimming pool filled to the brim with $100.00 Luster bills that each showed a portrait of Blue Diamond, laughing as they swam.

"This was the best idea we ever had," said Skinny.

"I hear ya!" ejaculated Carnelia. "Hey, when we get done treadin' 'liquid assets'...let's count it all again!"

"We're gonna need a bigger pool soon though," said Skinny. "Our salary for this month gets to us tomorrow, and I can't wait to cash that cold, hard bread!"

"But bread that's cold and hard should be discarded," said the smaller, crimson Gem. "Cousin Amethyst says so herself. She told me the Pearl she lives with says that to her whenever her bread gets 'moldy', but Cousin Amethyst says she eats the moldy bread anyway."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"You may enter," Skinny said in a business-womanly way.

The maid walked in. She was a blue Gem, a Quartz, and she carried with her a tray and duster. Skinny and Carnelia grinned at her.

"W-would the madams enjoy something to drink?" the blue Gem asked. "...Or perhaps I should clean up in here f-for you?"

"You know you're supposed to do that every five minutes, regardless of whether or not we kick you in your fat, saggy behind and tell you to...Holly," said Skinny, smirking.

"Yeah!" yelled Carnelia, and she made a horrible mess of the room like only an "overcooked" Quartz could. She knocked over the portraits of herself and Skinny, upturned the expensive desk that she and Skinny shared, and threw salt in the Earth, despite Earth being far, far, away, in the ever-distant Milky Way Galaxy.

"Now make the two of us a margarita! Each," said Carnelia. "You Bitch." And she stepped on Holly's Dykies. Dykie-brand Mary-Janes.

"Yes, Ma'am," Holly said, stoically choking back tears.

She left to make her Mistresses' drinks, and the door closed behind her.

Skinny and Carnelia cackled madly as she left.

B-But how...how did this all happen?

******

It all began four months ago, at the Blue Diamond-Pink Diamond Memorial Orbital Zoological Menagerie for Only Humans in Space.

"Hey, Quartzen Famethyst! I came to visit you!" Steven chirped as he entered into the Zoo Guardhouse.

"Steven!!" all the girls cried.

"Hello," said Steven.

"We all can't wait to have dubiously consensual, hermaphrodite-on-male anal sex with you, with you on the receiving end of the butt-rutting!" said Amethyst #8XJ.

"Oh, no; sorry, not in this story," said Steven.

All the Quartzes slumped over in grave disappointment.

"I drove the Jasper Ruby Brigade's Roaming Tracker to come and see you again," said Steven. "They weaseled it back from us in an episode filled with Lauren Zuke's bitter-lesbian Lapis, cringeworthy writing, but I, a Jewish man, knew exactly what to do. I simply called the police, and they came quickly in NASA spacecraft and arrested all five of those Ruby girls. Luckily for me, all five of them resembled mitigated, ‘migitated' Black women, and American racism worked in my favor! They went straight to jail without passing ‘Go’ or collecting their monthly welfare check, and the police safely and enthusiastically returned their stolen property to me, the thief that stole it!"

"I drove here without a license as fast as I could to come see you again!" continued Steven. "I couldn't parallel park, so I just crashed the ship into this space station's exterior."

The Quartzes all gave a stupefied look.

"…And I brought back books for you all to read!" he said.

"HOORAY!!" cried all the Quartzes.

"What the * _ shards _ * is a book?" asked a Jasper (not Skinny).

“Books are fun!” Steven  chirped . “They're bound papers that contain information, sometimes fiction, and sometimes non-fiction. We use books on Earth by flipping through the pages one at a time and reading the words on one page before moving on to the next one. By reading the information in a book, we learn! There are books about factual information that teach us new things; and books that don't contain facts usually present a story that we read to improve our understanding of storytelling, or for entertainment!”

Steven had from home a whole trunk filled to the brim with lots and lots of books! He manifested it from within his Gem and happily handed her (the Jasper) and the other Quartzes any book that caught their eye. Some of the girls decided to share a book in groups of two and three, which really made Steven happy.

They found blankets from the space station's supply storage, and Steven shared his stash of juice boxes, sliced fruit, and PB&J sandwiches with his weird sisters. They all started to have a good time, with some of the Quartzes huddling up together over their book in a futon blanket each.

"Kindergarten".

Skinny and Carnelia were the last  _ chicas _ to grab a book from Steven's surplus. "This one's one of Amethyst's favorites," he said and showed them a book with  _ Chaaaaps _ crumbs on each cover. It seemed interesting so they gladly borrowed it from him.

" _ Everybody Poops _ ," read Skinny.

"What does that mean?" Carnelia asked her. "...The heck is 'poop'?"

"I think it's that stuff that humans make six-to-eight hours after they eat something," Skinny said. "Most organic creatures produce some kind of waste from the food they eat, and the solid waste gets pushed out back into the environment, where it goes to decompose to return to the ecosystem."

"Oh, yeah!"

The two cracked the book open, only for another book to fall out.

_ Rich Dad, Poor Dad _ .

" _ What? _ " they asked in unison.

Apparently, Cousin Amethyst had some odd reading habits.

***

The two Quartzes read both books. Surprisingly, being a Gem allowed them to speedread their way through both in just an hour or so. They exchanged knowing glances.

"Let's start a business…!" Skinny whispered to Carnelia. "If we work hard enough, we can earn our way out of this shattering pit we call home, and we can buy a nice home on some planet somewhere and move there!"

"But what should we sell?" asked Carnelia. "Or what kind of service…"

"N-no, no; selling's fine. And I know exactly what we should sell. What else? We'll both shapeshift a digestive system, eat, and… well, we'll sell our feces!"

"Ohh!"

"Great idea, right?"

"Yeah!" Carnelia squealed. But she tilted her head and thought for a moment. "But, wait…" she started. "If it's feces, it'll look really bad and'll smell even worse, won’t it? That's not very marketable now that I've thought about it, Skinny. Who in the universe would want to buy poop?"

"We'll make it so ours smells good, and we'll even make it tasty. You remember the  _ Rich Dad  _ book, right? Organic creatures go to a store to buy food. They'll always need food to eat for sustenance!"

Carnelia smiled. "So let's eat bitter, bland bellyfill and turn it into tangy, tasty treats!"

They smirked like maverick crazy-wenches.

"And so now everyone in the Universe will want to buy our stuff!" Skinny exclaimed.

"But who in the universe can we start with selling the stuff to?"

"...Who in the universe...? ...The ' _ universe _ ', eh?"

Skinny and Carnelia left the shady Guardhouse corner, Steven, and the other Quartzes, and made their way to the Zoo Laboratory. When they got there, they both  _ shapeshifted _ a digestive system.

The Gem engineers that built the place left behind tools and apparatuses to sample the fruit that the trees in the Human Habitat grew to feed the humans, for quality control and calibrating the humans' nutritional needs.

"Just a quick sample~♪," Skinny sang.

She and Carnelia filled a burlap sack full of the lab's little trees' yield, picking it, stashing it, and then finally…

"Now we just have to digest it!" Carnelia exclaimed. So Skinny stuffed herself full, munching on the fruit and processing it quickly through her digestive system; chewing it first to mix it with her saliva, turning it into chyme, absorbing it, and then when it became waste…

The cells in her colon,  _ shifted _ to emulate the gut flora of an organic creature's large intestine, secreted sweets, and rolled the waste to transform it into confectionery. When her rectum filled up with the stuff, Skinny squatted above a large, empty Ovaltine can and pushed out a massive load of sweet dookie while Carnelia looked on, smiling maniacally.

"The deed is done," Skinny cackled.

"Now all we need to do is test it out!" Carnelia spoke.

They would give it to Steven.

***

"Where'd you guys go off too?" Steven asked when Carnelia and Skinny returned to the Guardhouse. "Naptime's almost over!"

"We went to make something  _ delicious _ for you to try, Steven!" Skinny said. She handed him the Ovaltine can, which was full of… shit. "Dig in!"

Steven sniffed it. "Hmm… it smells like wedding cake and glazed donuts," he said. Steven scooped the poop and ate it tentatively.

The feces that Skinny excreted was blue, sugary and had the consistency of fluffy, purple-speckled cotton candy mixed with Coke and Icee. It tasted like every sweet treat possible all at once and Steven loved it.

“This is  _ DELICIOUS _ !" he exclaimed. "Where did you guys get this?!”

“I made it myself!” answered Skinny, still snickering.

“I want more!” cried Steven. Skinny and Carnelia burst out laughing. “Sure thing, Steven!" Carnelia said, "I'll make a special double-portion, just for you!” And she left to do it and came back with an empty fried chicken bucket filled with the same stuff that Skinny had given Steven.

Steven couldn't help but get hooked on the weird stuff the Quartzes fed him. The fact that he kept coming back to eat more and more again and again inspired Skinny and Carnelia to look into buying their own planet to produce the stuff to sell to everyone in the known universe.

"What'll we call it?" Carnelia whispered to Skinny as they packed their bags to leave the Pink Diamond Human Zoo.

Skinny furrowed her brow. "There's that one word for poop… It's rude, and really profane; what was it? Oh, yeah. 'Shit'. And 'shitty'."

Their eyes lit up and they shared a glance. "'Shit-Tea'! We'll call it 'Shit-Tea'!" the two Gems said in unison.

They scraped together their 5,500 years of allowance money from Holly Blue Agate and Blue Diamond, and they decided to start production of the shitty, "shitty" treat on their own factory planet, to supply enough of the product to sell it to all the people of the galaxy, and beyond.

******

Planet Factoria had seen better days and had been on the short end of the stick the Diamonds used to measure their concern for society's facets. Being blanketed in cobweb and dust-cowl-covering were the rule and law of this sphere of living, and the only inhabitants of the planet, long-abandoned, were a Peridot engineer and a teal Zircon who served as the world's manager.

"Isn't Holly going to be mad that we've gone AWOL?" asked Carnelia after Steven dropped them off at the Factoria spaceport. Steven had a crazed look in his eye and kept himself occupied by snarfing plump handfuls of the Shit-Tea prototype. He was babbling like a Tasmanian devil, but the other two Gems didn't seem to notice.

"Who cares?" Skinny answered. "Once we become successful from selling so much of this stuff, we could even afford to  _ buy _ Holly. We'll make her our maid or something."

The Zircon greeted them at the forewoman's office of the planet's "arrivals" building.

"A warm welcome t' both of y'all!" she said. "Can't say I've ever seen you two ‘round these parts. Reckon y'all're first-time visitors to this world?"

"Yeah, we're new here," Carnelia said. "We're here visiting on business, actually."

"Business?" the Zircon asked.

"We'd like to buy this planet," Skinny said.

"Well, ain't that somethin'!" the Zircon exclaimed, "Peridot! There's someone who actually wants to buy Factoria from the Diamonds!"

The green Peridot emerged from the adjacent room, holding an abacus. 

"Greetings," she said to Carnelia and Skinny.

"Peridot here is the engineer and accountant of this planetary facility," the Zircon explained. She turned to the Peridot. "How much d'ya think the planet's worth?"

The Peridot pushed the beads of her abacus back and forth. "Well, let's see here…" she began. "The planet's soil has already been used up to breed Gems until the planet was completely drained of all of its Life Energy… the entire surface has been turned into one giant, mechanical manufacturing plant… most of the machines are broken and out of service; dirty, too…"

She ran the necessary calculations for thirty seconds more and finally reached a result. "20 Luster," she said finally, "I'd say Factoria is worth about 20 Luster."

Skinny, Carnelia, and the Zircon were shocked. "20 Luster?” they all asked, surprised. "That's all?" the Zircon said.

"The whole planet is in dire need of repairs," the Peridot replied. "It'd be quick and easy to send a bunch of Robonoids and cleaning droids to fix the place up, but we could never find the time to, remember?"

"What keeps you held up?" Carnelia asked.

"Running the scrapyard out back," the Peridot replied. "It's what Factoria is used for nowadays, but this whole world could be yours if you want it! We'd just ask Homeworld to dump their old robot parts somewhere else."

"We'll take it!" the two Quartzes beamed, and the Zircon signed the deed of the planet over to them. "I guess you two own the place now!" she said kindly, and she and the Peridot went to gather their things to leave.

******

Carnelia used the remainder of their saved allowances to buy a fleet of Robonoids and "Duster" robots to use them to clean up and repair the entire planet's surface so that the ancient machines and the sprawling factory were clean and worked again. Skinny began to draft designs of the new production equipment they would create, and the chemical formula for the Shit-Tea concoction also.

It all came together really well, and before they knew it they had an entire country-sized sector of the planet producing "Original Shit-Tea" on a mass of assembly lines the size of the United States.

******

Steven had been suffering from withdrawal.

The day he gave Skinny and Carnelia a ride to Planet Factoria was a blur. He remembered eating that tasty, tasty candy that the two had given him, going on the most intense sugar rush of his young life, and getting home to Earth and Beach City by the Roaming Tracker's autopilot, but…

He had been suffering a psychological battle within since the day that he tasted the candy, THE candy; the best tasting stuff he'd ever snacked--

Every day had been hard, and even getting out of bed had become cumbersome. Almost impossible, even.  _ Not without my candy…! _

It had been three weeks since his last tasty. "Maybe I should see the Famethyst again," he groaned. "Then Skinny and Carnelia can hook me up again with that great stuff…"

Steven was in luck. After his morning routine, he went to check the mail and found that Mailman Jamie had left a plastic bag among the letters.

"Whuzzat?"

It stuck out among the letters like a male among Gems. The words  _ SHiT-TeA  _ were embossed on the plastic and the bag was filled with…

"IT'S THE MULTICOLORED, DAMP CANDY!!" Steven yelled in ecstasy. Finally! He had his fix back! Steven opened the package to devour its contents and ate it ravenously. He sat down on the living area couch and glanced at the note attached to the plastic wrapper:

_ Thanks so much for being a loyal customer! _

_ This is a free sample of our celebrated signature product. We know you've tried it before and wanted to let you know we'll soon be distributing this snack in your area. Keep an eye out for it! _

_ Thanks again for enjoying SHiT-TeA! _

_ \- Dessert Gem Holdings, Ltd. management _

Steven cackled madly and left home to buy as much of the stuff as he could. Big Donut had a surplus of the hot new treat, luckily for Steven, and his pudgy little tummy returned home stocked to the teeth with his new favorite yummy. He must've been carrying 17 bags of the tasty and he went to his bed to devour them all.

Amethyst emerged from her room, yawning and stretching and then seeing Steven by himself in his bed.

"What're you doing?" she called to him.

“ _ Heaven in a bag _ ,” Steven slurred. Even though he was high on his intense sugar rush, he still had his sensibility and good manners. He tossed Amethyst a bag and she opened it up and tried the sh*t. Amethyst’s pupils dilated and before they knew it, she and Steven were spasming on the loft floor under the influence of such powerful candy.

“I want  _ more _ ,” Amethyst drooled.

******

"The hardest part was reverse-engineering the fecal formula to get it to taste like the original did, now that it's being produced artificially," Skinny explained to Carnelia.

“Sounds like a chore. Ordering the Robonoids to fix everything was a snap, so it looks like I had it easier and you got the short end of the stick. Sorry, sis…”

“Why are you sorry?” Skinny asked. “We both did our part to get things in place for our corporation, and now LOOK...!”

Three weeks into their business efforts and Skinny and Carnelia were shipping  _ ShiT-TeA _ to every planet known to the Gemstone Empire. Even the Lizard People of Scaleus IV were loving it, despite hating the Gems.

“With 70 flavors of the stuff and printing in over 300 languages across 7,000 planets, business is really booming. For such a small amount we put down, our investment is really paying off! The cash coming in is RIDICULOUS!” Skinny said.

Carnelia clapped her hands. “Long live Dessert Gem Holdings!” she said.

Skinny donned a cute blue miniskirt and Carnelia walked in purple slacks. They both wore a matching jacket and tie and both were seated in the office of the main factory building on their Planet Factoria.

They started their company, "Dessert Gem Holdings", with just 20 Luster and a few million more luster garnered from saving 10 Luster each for five millennia and five centuries. Three weeks into their endeavor, they had over $1 billion USD, or 1 billion in Gem Luster.

Later that day, Skinny and Carnelia went to see Blue Diamond. They walked into her room at the highest part of the Citadel, the Capitol building.

“My Diamond,” they each respectfully greeted and crossed their arms in a Diamond Salute. “We have something to request of you,” Skinny continued.

Blue Diamond listened with her hands folded in her lap.

“We’d like to buy something from you. Or, rather, someone…” Skinny smirked.

******

Negotiations went off without a hitch and they bought Holly Blue Agate from Blue Diamond for a meager sum. They made her, Holly, their maid.

Then they began to invest their money. Skinny suggested they purchase one of the Gemstone Homeworld Universe Network’s biggest, most lucrative web ventures. “We can’t afford  _ SpaceAmazon.com _ , so let’s buy  _ gBay.gem _ instead and save up our money until we have enough to own both!” Skinny said.

Meanwhile on Earth, Steven was eating ten bags of the  _ SHiT-TeA _ stuff every day just to have his fix and had to take a job to afford to pay for it. Amethyst was passed out most of any given day from eating so much Gem poop, on a mattress amidst all the clutter in her room. SHiT-TeA was now the most-consumed item on Earth, with 95% of the population eating it on a regular basis, and it having replaced sliced bread as the humans’ favorite consumed staple food.

Two months into business, and Skinny and Carnelia had 10 billion-trillion Luster, so they purchased SpaceAmazon.com without incident, too. All of the money from their purchases was really starting to add up and they decided to start taking lucrative business vacations to the universe’s finest resorts of the Gemstone Empire.

The two Quartzes lived a life of posh luxury and picked on poor Holly. They made the maid clean up for them and complete menial tasks endlessly that they would purposefully come up with at all hours. And four months into their success they had 40 billion-trillion Luster and were swimming in an Olympic swimming pool full of their money.

But then one day it happened.

“Gee, this stuff is so good!” Steven said. “I wonder what it’s made of?” He checked the ingredients list on the back of the SHiT-TeA’s packaging, which, for some reason, no one else in the entire universe had bothered to do yet.

_ Contains: Chemically reproduced Gem feces, citric acid (for freshness) _

“WHAT!??!”

Steven told Amethyst, and she and he told Beach City…

Steven also told his friends in the chat rooms of the Gemstone Homeworld Universe Network, and the word spread across the universe from there…

******

Blue Diamond subpoenaed to her office the owners of Dessert Gem Holdings for a hearing.

“You two,” she said, irate and pointing an accusing finger at the pair, “have been SELLING the entire universe your FECES!! I  _ myself _ have consumed over 100 bags of that, um… well, STUFF! Whatever do you both have to say for yourselves?!”

“We thought it was a good business idea…?” Carnelia said, cautiously, whilst Skinny shivered in fear.

Blue Diamond resentfully ordered them to pay back every cent to every person that had ever purchased a bag of Gem poo from them (except for the Damned Lizard People of Scaleus IV, whom the Gems hated; the Lizard People ate feces anyway and enjoyed it and SHiT-TeA), plus a hefty fine for peddling what they were selling. Planet Factoria was seized from them, they lost their office building, and all that was left to Skinny and Carnelia were SpaceAmazon.com and gBay.gem.

******

“Ah, well~,” said Carnelia, outside of the Capitol Building, “All our assets were taken away and everyone’s getting a refund. Easy come, easy go… Bankruptcy is a cruel mistress.”

“ _ Holly Blue Agate _ is a cruel mistress…” Skinny muttered and (literally) spat. A cat trotted up and licked up her spittle that fell on the pavement, and Skinny threw up her arms in defense and surrender. A reflex.

“Does this mean we have to go back to working our old job as security at the Orbital Zoo?” Carnelia asked.

“Yeah…and Holly gets her old job back, too.” Skinny said bitterly.

“I hope she’s not too mad about the way we’ve treated her for the last four months…”

Skinny shook her head. “Do you just…want to move to Earth?”

“We’ll be arrested if we do that, though,” Carnelia quipped. “Don’t forget about the police with the NASA ships; remember? Everyone knows that we’re the ones that made SHiT-TeA”

Skinny shook her head again and sighed. “I hate this,” she said.

“Cheer up!” Carnelia soothed. “At least we still own the Universe Network’s two biggest sources of revenue! We’ll be back on top before you know it!”

Skinny nodded.

******

But back at the Orbital Zoo, bitter Holly Blue Agate took the two Gems to the Detention Room. She made them phase off their clothing, and shackled them to the wall with their backs turned to her.

“PUNISHMENT!!!” yelled Holly. “Punishment for your evil conduct, and for failing to sell a better product to filthy  _ organics _ !! DO YOU THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT YOU’D DONE TO ME?!!”

She summoned her Shock Whip from the Gem on the back of her head and lashed the two girls’ bare buttocks with it. They yelped in pain, and Holly began to laugh maniacally and continued her assault.

Eventually it started to feel good to the two smaller Quartzes as they got used to the ever-dulling sting of the electric shock of Holly's whip's assault as she went on, though, and they began to moan in ecstasy and begged for more. Holly lost her temper when this happened and whipped them even harder, but Skinny and Carnelia both decided that this treatment was better than the finest massage they had been given at the nicest Gem resort from the days of their riches, all those minutes ago.

Surprisingly, after SHiT-TeA stopped being sold, it lost its hold on everyone. Steven, Amethyst, and everyone else went back to other junk food, and the horrible, delicious edible Gem feces-stuff was forgotten and faded into obscurity.

** THE END **


End file.
